1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday/Friday Nite Football.
6) You don't have to monitor you're friend's sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every
shot of someone crying.
12) Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you
go.
17) You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27) You never have to clean the toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.
32) Your underwear costs $10 for a 3-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35) You don't have to shave below your neck.
36) You don't have to curl up to a hairy-ass every nite.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face stays it's original colour.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president.
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50)You can say anything and not worry about what other people think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean the apartment if the meter-reader is coming
by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut.
59) You can watch something on TV in silence with your buddy for hours
without even thinking "He must be mad at me".
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time.
65) You can admire a model without starving yourself to look like them.
66) You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just too skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay.
70) Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2000; Tux rental: $100
73) You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't scab off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a water bottle.
77) The remote is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) Cable sports channel.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
81) Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You don't have to pretend that you're 'freshening up' to go to the
bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your buddies that you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it!".
88) If any other guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, you might
become life-long buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90) The occasionally well rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual oppurtunity because you're not in
the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting (kicking) a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't cut, don't blister or mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So...notice
anything different?"
99) Baywatch.
100) There is always a sports game on somewhere.
